3 Tips for Less Stressful Parent-Teacher Conferences

I’ve been on both sides of some rough parent-teacher conferences—as a teacher and as a parent. Despite ample research that supports the value of a strong school-to-home connection, training on engaging and relating with caregivers is glaringly lacking from teacher prep programs. Schools also rarely provide teachers with training on family engagement, so teachers often have to learn by trial and error.

In my case, this has meant a lot of mistakes. After my first round of parent-teacher conferences, for example, a colleague pulled me aside and said, “It sounds like all you’re doing is putting out fires.” I was 22 years old and I’d only been teaching for two months—I really was just putting out fires! Her feedback helped me see that my messaging was really off. Instead of reporting to families on their child’s academic and social and emotional progress, I was giving them the impression that their child was as problematic as I was unqualified. I was lucky that my first school did group parent-teacher conferences so a caring colleague could let me know that I needed to change my messaging.

I now know that a calm, focused message oriented toward problem-solving conveys strengths and needs to families in a supportive and professional way. Over the past 12 years, I’ve collected some tips for managing the stress of parent-teacher conferences. 

Tip 1: Solicit parent feedback in advance

I do this with a simple Google Form, but any survey would work well. My survey is short: checkboxes with the topics the parents would like to focus on and a few optional short answers to explain further. Adding this survey has single-handedly been the most effective tool for improving my conferences—first, because time is limited, both in the available time to prep for conferences and in our actual time with conferences. When we give parents the chance to share what they’d like to cover, we ensure that we can meet their needs and expectations with meaningful data and examples. Not only does it cut down on prep time and improve my preparedness, but it also expedites my conferences, allowing me to cut right to the chase.

Second, soliciting parent feedback in advance of the meeting significantly reduces the chances of getting blindsided when we sit down. Too many times, I have gone into meetings smiling and found furrowed brows on the other side of the table. By giving parents the chance to share frustrations in advance, I can make sure I’m prepared to discuss difficult topics or mitigate frustrations they may be feeling. I can also call in any reinforcements I may need, whether that’s the support of an administrator or some anecdotes from an electives teacher.

Tip 2: Don’t problem-dump on families

Don’t bring up a problem unless you have a plan to address it. That’s not to say that we as teachers should have all the answers, nor that we shouldn’t tell caregivers if there’s an issue. By offering things you’ve tried already, as well as what you’re planning to try next, you’re communicating to the family that their child isn’t the problem. It communicates hope and faith in their child’s abilities and inherent goodness. Parents have many wants, but at the core, all they really want to know is that their child is seen, valued, and genuinely liked. It is a caregiver’s worst nightmare to go into a conference and be given a list of all that is going wrong.

We will inevitably have to deliver difficult news, but when we deliver it kindly and gently with a clear belief that it can and will get better, we show families that their child is safe in our hands. 

Tip 3: Be on the lookout for defensiveness during conferences

Caregivers can become defensive, but so can teachers. The internet loves to remind us how difficult it is to be a teacher. Social media and politics pit parents and educators against each other, and in a world of book bans and gag orders, it is easy to feel backed into a corner. And for passionate teachers who put their heart and soul into what they do, we can’t help but feel defensive when questioned. I find, though, that defensiveness is the quickest way to derail a conference. When I find myself playing defense, I pause and take a deep breath. I picture the student in my head so I can recenter myself and the conversation.

Defensiveness and blindsidedness often go hand in hand. We as teachers often feel like we have to have all the answers. I’ve learned over the years that it’s OK to table a conversation that I’m not prepared to have or one that isn’t moving forward productively. I used to worry that it made me look weak or unprofessional, but I’ve learned through the years that it’s sometimes a crucial step in preserving my relationship with a family, which is critical for my ability to make progress with their child. Coming back to the table with fresh minds and more data (and sometimes more support) doesn’t make us weak, it makes us collaborative, thoughtful, student-centered educators.

Ultimately, parent-teacher conferences are stressful no matter what side of the table you’re on, but they’re worth the effort when done well. Effective conferences strengthen the school-to-home connection by building trust between caregivers and teachers, which deepens our relationship with our students and makes it easier for us to effect positive academic and social and emotional change. They are an opportunity to share our love for our profession and our students, and I think they tend to go more smoothly when we remember that.

We can’t plan for every challenge that may arise, but when we take small steps like these before and during conferences, we can turn them into powerful and beautiful opportunities that reflect on the complexities of life in school while deepening our connections with caregivers.