Building Connections With Students as a Middle School Principal

Lunch is often seen as a time for students to relax and refuel, but as a principal I see it as an invaluable opportunity to connect with my youngest students—those in grade five. Starting middle school is a significant transition for any child, and it’s especially so for our grade five students, who are even younger than most middle school students. While most students start middle school in grade six or even grade seven, due to space constraints at the elementary school, grade five was moved to the middle school building several years ago. To help them feel more welcome, I began “Lunch With the Principal.” 

Every Thursday, I invite some grade five students to join me, their middle school principal, for lunch in my office. Each week, a different group of students receives an official invitation to join me, ensuring that all have a chance to participate over the year. I use a simple spreadsheet to work my way alphabetically through the list of students.

Over the years, I have found that this tradition fosters connection, understanding, empathy, and community. While the initial time investment can seem daunting for busy principals, the benefits can pay back many dividends. These 20 minutes help in the following ways.

1. Build positive relationships between principal and students in a relaxed setting.
2. Increase inclusivity and mutual appreciation for each other’s culture.
3. Create greater empathy and understanding of the student experience at school.
4. Provide a real-life opportunity to practice social and emotional skills.

A Tradition of Welcome and Connection

When the students arrive, to break the ice, I show them my rubber duck collection, letting each of them pick their favorite to share with the group. This helps to ease any initial nervousness and also provides them a reason to stop in later to check for any new additions to my collection, building rapport and making my office a welcoming space for them. An alternative way to break the ice might be a quick game of Uno.

When it’s time to have our meal, the students find my conference table set with cloth place mats and napkins—an intentional touch to signal that this lunch is special. After washing hands together, students learn basic table etiquette, such as placing napkins on their laps and waiting for everyone to be ready. These small rituals encourage a sense of formality and belonging.

An Invitation to Share, Listen, and Grow

These lunches are an opportunity for students to share their stories and experiences in a relaxed setting. The students can bring a lunch from home or purchase one at a local sandwich shop. Our students come from more than 40 countries and often bring diverse meals like biryani from India, gimbap from Korea, and jollof rice from Nigeria. Sharing these meals naturally leads to discussions about culture and identity, where students celebrate their heritage and learn about others’. One student’s comment at our Principal Lunch, “Our lunches are better than your canned tuna!” has become a running joke schoolwide.

Our conversations of course go beyond food. I ask open-ended questions, such as what they enjoy about school, what worries them, and what they’d like to change. One student’s observation that announcements were always about older students led to including announcements for grade five students. A student’s comment about feeling intimidated by older students inspired opportunities for mentoring between grades. These insights help us create a more inclusive environment for our youngest students.

Practicing Communication and Empathy

The lunches are also an opportunity to build essential social and emotional skills. I model active listening and encourage the students to practice this with follow-up questions, such as “What about you?” By embedding these activities into daily interactions, we reinforce the skills learned in our Social Emotional Learning class (which we call “LifeSkills”) in practical and real-life situations.

After the meal, the students take responsibility for their space—they clean up, refold their napkins, and walk around the table thanking one another for sharing the meal. This tradition builds a sense of gratitude and respect for each other, reinforcing our school’s motto of being a safe, kind, welcoming, and inclusive community that fosters a positive, creative, and fun learning environment for everyone.

Learning Through Their Eyes

These lunches have allowed me to see the school experience from the perspectives of our grade five students. When I hear about their worries—such as fear of falling down the stairs in front of others—as well as what they love about middle school—an engaging art project or being able to play dodgeball in PE—I gain empathy for them with their experiences.

Even more important, these conversations have led to some tangible changes. We have created new clubs like Rubik’s Cube Club and surprise recesses announced just for grade five students. These small gestures show students that their voices matter and they can shape their school experience.

Building Lasting Connections

The most valuable outcome of these lunches is the deeper understanding and connection I form with each student. I can better support them through their middle school journey by getting to know them beyond their academic performance.

There are, of course, times when I am out of the building and we can’t meet. And some students are not able to come to lunch. I have met their needs by hosting breakfasts, after-school snacks, or even 10-minute “Poppin’ Conversations” where we share popcorn and chat. The goal is to find a way to connect with every student.

By sharing a meal or snack and a conversation, I not only learn about their experiences but also lay the foundation for a more inclusive and empathetic school culture—one lunch at a time.