Creating Moments of Connection With All Students

Connection and a sense of belonging are critical for healthy human development. Our nervous systems are relational systems, and we cannot survive without one another. Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman shares that we’re born dependent on others, and our first biological need is not food, but to be fed. Our dependence on our relationship with a caregiver/trusted adult wires us for connection. In all moments, we are gently shaping one another’s experiences as we find stability and balance with others because our bodies are our social and emotional sense organs.

Our students are hungry to know that they are not broken, bad, or falling apart, but that sometimes their bodies are remembering feelings and sensations of brokenness and emotional pain from the past or from experiences outside of school. These sensations and feelings can be thought of as “energy lying in wait,” which are fragments of images, sounds, smells, or other sensory or body memories that have not been integrated or digested into the nervous system. We are no different than our students. We all need a safe, trusted other to process our distressing and scary feelings and sensations. We need validation and connection in times of challenge and upset. When we feel heard and seen, our nervous systems begin to find a steadiness, releasing the tension and worry that keep us stuck in survival states.

One of the most impactful touch points that we can create with students is to learn the language of the nervous system together. When our students learn beside us, we are modeling how our own nervous system is impacted by environments, relationships, and experiences. When we recognize that our nervous system is always trying to find a healthy balance of sensations and emotions, we can become aware and work through the uncomfortable conditions and felt distress. Knowing that our nervous systems are talking to us, our bodies and brains can reach for relief and steadiness. Our nervous systems have their own longing, especially in times of distress. They want to be connected to others.

Co-regulation is sharing our safe and emotionally available nervous system with those who need to borrow a bit of calm and groundedness, even for just a few minutes. You cannot give what you do not have, and this is why we have focused deeply on our autonomic nervous system states in the first few chapters of this manual. When we are aware of our own nervous system state and the relational and environmental experiences that contribute to our autonomic state functioning, we are better equipped to sit beside all students, especially those who are carrying in toxic layers of stress (which we define as chronic and unpredictable stress) from significant adversity and the impact of developmental, relational, or acute trauma.

Our students are watching us in all moments as we carry our physiological states in our tone of voice and on our faces. Our bodies literally take on the shape of our repeated experiences, and our students are primarily reading our nonverbal cues, as the spoken word takes a backseat inside our relational milieu. Practicing presence gives us the ability to anchor ourselves so that we are not carried away by every circumstance, condition, or growing conflict.

Touch Points

Touch points are micro-moments of connection and co-regulation that occur intentionally and authentically between two individuals throughout any given day. They implicitly express safety and validation through our rituals, procedures, and transitions. While touch points may include verbal elements, they are often expressed through gestures, facial expressions, haptics, and deep listening.

As students learn to navigate their emotions and nervous system states, often encountering challenges and activators along the way, it is vitally important that they feel seen, heard, felt, and understood. Each day, every child needs the assurance that they will experience the warmth of a smile and hear the sound of their name spoken by a trusted adult. Each day, every child should enter our buildings knowing they are valued, and we are prepared to listen deeply even in their worst moments. Every child requires a developing strong sense of belonging, which we cultivate as we validate their struggles and emphasize what is going right and well. It’s important to remember that the feelings associated with failure can often remind us and our students of deeper losses and trigger embodied memories, especially if we have faced many challenges early in life. This is when we need connection the most! We accomplish this through touch points.

Touch points may take place between a child and a present adult (or peer) during the school day. This can be the classroom teacher but is often other adults. Touch points may look different for each child

Examples from Educator and Student Connection Coach Rob Beltz:

• A child stops in a classroom each morning for a greeting and check-in before the morning bell, even bringing in his siblings to say hi!
• A librarian checks a student’s daily agenda before dismissal.
• A cafeteria cook tells a student a joke each day as she serves her lunch.
• A principal checks on a student and offers a hug, a high five, or a fist bump.
• A teacher sends a virtual student an email asking what makes him smile and what makes him anxious.
• A teacher encourages a student before a test and debriefs with them afterward.
• A bus driver compliments a student on a new haircut.
• A student makes daily visits to an interventionist for a sensory break.

Touch points, when done with intentionality and authenticity, become a part of a daily routine and will happen organically. The above list is not exhaustive, and indeed touch points may be as simple as a passing smile or as intentional as asking a student questions about their personal areas of expertise (e.g., video games, movies, sports). When we follow our students’ agendas, we learn deeply about their cares and worries, about their interests, and about who they are as individuals. In having trusted adults who are invested in their lives, students find felt safety, predictability, and consistency. Just as important, they are given implied permission to be themselves even when life feels rough and messy. This is essential for their developing nervous systems and understanding of their own neuroanatomy.

At this time, we are still mitigating the lingering effects of a global pandemic and confronting all of the social unrest that the pandemic brought to the surface. We have all lived through this chronic unpredictability and stress, and for some of us, students and educators alike, this sits upon compounded trauma. Perhaps more than ever, educators are gaining an understanding of the effects of secondary trauma and compassion fatigue. While these psychophysiological conditions are not new, the last few years have made them glaringly evident. The messaging that began evolving in the spring of 2020 has shifted from self-care to collective care. We have been learning the importance of neuro-awareness and the positive impact of protective practices as we strive to get out in front of our own reactions and dysregulated behaviors.

As we expand on this awareness, we can begin to understand that our students are also not immune to secondary trauma and compassion fatigue. Too often, we focus our attention and strategies on those who we read as the most dysregulated students. For students who may be quiet, get good grades, and are compliant, we may not see their dysregulation or what they carry into the classroom. We may not see how their peers’ trauma and dysregulation becomes an embodied experience for them as well. In fact, their developing nervous systems are even more vulnerable to toxic secondary stress. These students will often present with blended autonomic states, and while they may be high achieving, we may notice physiological effects such as shaking, disconnection, and somatic symptoms. Applying what we know about touch points, it is essential that all students have multiple opportunities to experience these micro-moments of connection each day. Connection is our biological priority, and we are all vulnerable without it.

Excerpted with permission from the publisher, TeacherGoals Publishing, from Body and Brain Brilliance: A Manual to Cultivate Awareness and Practices for Our Nervous Systems by Dr. Lori Desautels, Ph.D. Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Lori Desautels, Ph.D. All rights reserved. This book is available wherever books and eBooks are sold.