How Administrators Can Respond—Instead of React—in Tough Situations

Has this ever happened to you? You’re frustrated with a student doing the one thing you asked them not to do—for what feels like the millionth time. Or a coworker keeps complaining about the same issue at lunch but resists every suggestion you offer. Or a parent emails you with a lengthy complaint, making assumptions about a situation before getting the full story. All of a sudden, all composure flies out the window, and you respond too quickly with a sarcastic comment or a sharp quip, or press “Send” on a “Reply all” email that you instantly regret.

I’ve done this—and I’m not alone. The job of being an administrator is very stressful, which means we look for shortcuts. A recent survey conducted by CAREI and the University of Minnesota found that principals overwhelmingly feel their jobs are unsustainable. Consistent with 2021 findings, principals reported that their responsibilities far exceed the time available to fulfill them—leading to stress, burnout, and, in some cases, thoughts of leaving the principalship. Under this kind of pressure, administrators often react in haste, without thinking through all of the implications first.

In my years as an educator and principal, I’ve had more of these moments than I’d like to admit. And upon reflection, the common denominator in my unproductive responses always seems to be my ability—or inability—to stay self-regulated.

Leading with Self-Regulation

I remember a particularly hectic morning when everything seemed to be going wrong. A staff member called in sick at the last minute, a frustrated parent was waiting in my office, and my inbox was overflowing with unanswered emails. Then, just as I was trying to catch my breath, a student walked in—eyes filled with frustration and hurt—needing immediate support.

Instead of pausing to regulate myself, I reacted from a place of stress—rushing through the conversation, offering a quick solution, and moving on to the next crisis. Later, I realized that I had missed the opportunity to truly listen and support that student in a meaningful way. Had I taken a deep breath, centered myself, and approached the situation with intentional calm, I could have responded with clarity and care instead of hurried efficiency.

These sideways moments tend to happen when I’m exhausted, overwhelmed by everything on my plate, running late—again—or just stretched too thin. And in leadership, those moments can stack up quickly.

The Challenges of Staying Self-Regulated as an Administrator

As school leaders, we often move from one high-stakes conversation to another with little time to reset. Our days are filled with emotionally charged moments—whether it’s a tough conversation with a struggling teacher, a high-anxiety parent meeting, or a disciplinary issue that escalates faster than we expect. We absorb the stress of others while also managing our own.

Unlike classroom teachers who may have brief breaks between classes or structured planning time, administrators often experience an unpredictable flow of responsibilities. We don’t always get the chance to close one emotional loop before the next crisis lands on our desk. Without intentional self-regulation, we risk reacting rather than responding—leading from a place of stress instead of wisdom.

Conversations That Might Be Better Left for Later

Not every conversation needs to happen in the heat of the moment. Some of the most productive conversations happen after we’ve given ourselves time to regulate. Here are a few categories of conversations that might benefit from a pause:

• Difficult feedback conversations. If emotions are running high, it might be best to wait until you can approach the discussion with clarity and empathy. A rushed or reactive conversation can shut down dialogue rather than encourage growth.
• Conflict resolution. When two parties are upset, stepping in immediately to mediate can sometimes escalate tensions. A brief pause allows for perspective-taking and a calmer, solution-oriented approach.
• Big-picture decisions. When stress is high, it’s easy to make decisions based on immediate pressures rather than long-term goals. Giving yourself space to step back ensures that decisions align with your leadership vision.
• Personal or emotional responses. If you feel personally triggered by a comment, criticism, or situation, take time to process before responding. Self-awareness in these moments can prevent regretful words or actions.

staying regulated

So, asking for a friend... how do you know when to respond, what to say, and how to stay regulated through it all? Here are my three secrets.

Rest. If you’re reading this after a not-so-great conversation, you might relate to the need to regulate. In my book Principal in Balance, I talk about guideposts and guardrails. Guideposts are the early warning signs that we’re starting to unravel, while guardrails keep us on the road. For me, getting enough sleep, shutting off screens, logging out of work email at night, and finding joy outside of the job are my go-to strategies for rest and reregulation. 

Recalibrate. Sometimes, the guardrails we’ve built don’t hold up during particularly demanding times of the school year. For me, over the past two weeks, six out of 10 school nights were filled with meetings, activities, and my own doctoral studies—I didn’t leave the office until between 6 and 10 p.m. Not ideal, but it happens. When it does, the key is recognizing that you might need some recalibration. That conversation you just want to “get over with”? It might be worth waiting until you’ve had some space and perspective. One of those late nights, I finally texted a mentor and friend—someone who had recently finished her own doctoral program—for reassurance. She reminded me to tell myself: This is hard, but I’m not alone.

Restore. From time to time, we all respond to different situations while we’re dysregulated. Now, the focus needs to be on restoring the relationship. Although I’ve had more of these moments than I’d like, I’ve also learned that when I take the time to offer a meaningful apology, the relationship often becomes stronger. Staff, students, families, and principals can all agree on one thing—none of us are perfect. If you’ve said something sarcastic, short, or reactive, take ownership. Once you’re regulated, apologize in a way that feels right—whether in person, through a note, or with a phone call. The act of repairing strengthens trust and deepens connections.

In the fast-paced world of education, where emotions run high and time is always in short supply, it’s easy to react instead of respond. But when we take a moment to rest, recalibrate, and—when needed—restore, we give ourselves and those around us the grace to move forward with intention.

So the next time frustration creeps in, take a breath. Pause before you speak, type, or react. Because more often than not, the best response isn’t the fastest one—it’s the one that comes from a place of clarity, patience, and purpose.

After all, I should have waited. Maybe you should, too.