Maintaining Balance in Parent-Teacher-Student Discussions

Most students thrive when they feel support from the adults in their lives. Yet students, teachers, and parents or guardians all feel some trepidation at the thought of getting together for a conference or a meeting to discuss the academic, social, or behavioral struggles of a student. Students often perceive these discussions as the parents and teachers teaming up to give them a hard time. Teachers feel anxiety about parents coming to the defense of their child by pointing the finger back at the teacher. And parents can feel that a struggling student is a reflection on them and they are being called out for poor parenting. However, a teacher can alleviate some of this anxiety by using guided questions to direct the conversation. 

parent-teacher-student conferences

Aside from the scheduled conferences from the district, I organize student, parent, and teacher meetings when I see a downward shift in academic or mental performance or if the substance of the student’s struggles is a motivational issue or home-based obstacle.

When a student is struggling academically, I like to open meetings with the metaphor of the three-legged stool. The group that is meeting represents the legs of the stool—the student, the teacher, and the parents—to support the student’s academic success; we are all in this together. The student’s role is to learn and apply themselves to the skills being taught; the teacher’s role is to effectively teach the material and support the student’s learning; the parents’ role is to provide support and encouragement for the student’s actions and efforts. When all the legs of the stool work together, it provides balance, and the weight of the student’s success is shared equally among the three legs so that no one leg feels like it has to hold everything all up alone.

The goal is to let the student know that this is not a gathering of adults with the intent of making the student feel bad or belittling them but that we want to understand how we can all work together to find success for the student and what specific measures we can take to assist the student in achieving their academic goals.

Start with a General Check-in

This may look like starting the conversation with an open question: “How are things going for you this quarter—in terms of school, sports or clubs, friends?” 

After the opening conversation, move to your class specifically: “What do you like about the class? What do you dislike about the class?” and “Is the material we’re working on boring, interesting, or super-engaging?” 

Opening with these questions with the parent present gives all the members of the meeting a sense of what the student thinks about the class and academics as a whole. The teacher can get a sense of the student’s self-perception of the class, and that provides more clues as to how to handle the primary struggle or issue later on. For instance, if the student is finding the material challenging and not doing well on assessments, the teacher can work toward providing academic support. However, if the material is easy and the independent work is not being completed, then the teacher may need to encourage the family to implement study time at home.

Shift into the Issue

Guiding questions allow the student to self-assess. More often than not, they will lead the discussion toward the issue at hand anyway. Here is the progression of leading questions I like to use:

• What are the areas in this class that you are doing well with? (Some students may be hesitant to point out positives—this is where the teacher can swoop in and make some kind, positive observations about skills, attitudes, executive functions, etc.)
• What areas do you think you would like to improve on? 

This allows students to self-select and address the issues that they likely know are coming. Mostly, I’ll get comments like “Well, I could do better at getting my homework turned in” or “I could study more for the tests.” These are great entry points for more positive discussion about the key issues that need to be addressed.

Balance the Three-Legged Stool

When the student identifies the areas for improvement, we are entering into the heart of the conversation. Now teachers and parents can work together to support the student. Using encouraging questions like “What can your parents and I do to support you?” can allow you to gain more insights.

Over the decades of approaching conferences in this way, I have had some great responses, from “Don’t give me homework” to the insightful “I could use a little space from my siblings in the evening to work quietly.” The majority of the time, it’s “I don’t know.” Here, teachers can offer to step in a bit and offer a series of suggestions:

• Would you be willing to work on some study tools I can recommend for you?
• Would sitting apart from your peers help you focus?
• If we set you up with a study hall, would that be helpful?

This is also a good moment for the parents to join the conversation. Teachers may offer parents suggestions like these:

• Would you be willing to allow her an hour each evening to work on assignments after dinner where she isn’t distracted by siblings? Perhaps you hold her phone?
• Do you have access to his grades? Could you have a weekly meeting on Friday afternoons to check on his progress and find a time on the weekend to support him with missing work or preparing for a test?
• Could you work with her on creating a balanced sleep schedule and a way to wake in the morning so that she is on time for school and focused throughout the day?

At the end, teachers can debrief by summarizing what was discussed and clarifying the roles that each leg of the stool will follow through with to support the academic and social success of the student. All three parties will walk away from parent-teacher-student conferences with goals and tasks to support the student’s success.